The Pros of Cons
by katzesama
Summary: Alternate universe, naturally. Hi-jinks and shenanigans ensue when Sparda brings a girl home for his sons... and she wants nothing to do with 'em.
1. Prologue

Today was not a good day. It just wasn't. Though, of all the ways to go, Lorena had never imagined that this would be it.

Sacrificed to a demon.

Part of her appreciated the sentiment, the other part was just stunned at how uncreative those assholes in town were. "Maiden sacrifice..." Yeah. Totally original.

Still- you couldn't exactly blame them. Things had only seemed to get worse when Sparda turned on the human race and the survivors were desperate. Nearly thirty years of oppression, poverty and death had taken their toll...what had once been a thriving race was reduced to mere scraps of a former glory, and everyone was scrambling to survive. Those idiot townspeople probably figured that they might be spared Sparda's wrath if they threw her at him.

Key word- _idiot_.

Being what she was, she knew better than anyone that a demon wouldn't think twice about eradicating them. Given that some of those dumbasses had been stupid enough to actually _provoke_ Sparda... well, let's just say that she doubted this would change anything.

At the very edge of the outskirts of town, the engine stopped and she was none too gently removed from the jeep they'd thrown her in. Two men- the ones responsible for pissing Sparda off, in fact- gripped her by the shoulders and dragged her over to a platform with a giant cross in the center.

Okay, she had to give them points for crucifixion- not a common practice nowadays. The first man, who was shorter and more slender, produced a stool. The larger man hefted Lorena up onto the platform and held her arms up. Standing on top of the stool, the first man secured the shackles on her wrists before blindfolding and gagging her. Unable to see, Lorena simply listened to the men's footsteps on the platform.

"Do you think this will work, Agnus?" asked the slender man.

"You d-d-doubt him, Credo?" replied the other, incredulous. "S-s-sanctus is n-never wrong."

Lorena heard Credo sigh.

"You're right, I know, but... Will one girl _really _be enough to placate him?"

"W-w-would you rather we g-g-g-gave him your sister?"

There was a pause in Credo's footsteps. He said nothing, but Lorena could imagine the glare he shot the other man. She heard his footsteps a moment later as he descended from the platform.

"Just light the signal," he snapped. "We don't want to be here when he shows up."

Agnus fumbled with some matches as he lit the small signal fire before following Credo's example and leaving the platform. The sound of the jeep driving off told Lorena that she was left alone at the edge of the vast expanse of forest, chained to a giant cross, to be a peace offering for a bloodthirsty, merciless creature. This was not a good day.

She wasn't sure how long she stood out there in the crisp autumn air. Minutes... hours... days- hell if she knew. All she could think about was how uncomfortable the whole setup was.

When the wind changed, however, she felt a knot grow in her stomach. It only seemed to increase in intensity when she heard the sound of wings not too far off. This was really happening- she was really going to die... and what's worse, she was going to look like a complete fool when she did. The inhumanity!

The wings grew in volume, swooshing overhead before doubling back to where she was stranded. A loud thud was followed by heavy footsteps that seemed to grow softer as... whatever came closer to her. Unable to see, unable to speak, all she could do was listen. The wooden boards of the platform creaked and she tensed up, bracing for something- anything- since she couldn't see what to expect. Instead of the sharp pain of something ripping her open, she was blinded by the light of the setting sun hitting her eyes. Blinking, she tried to adjust to the fact that she could see again. Once everything came back into focus, she was greeted with the sight of someone standing in front of her. A man.

The man looked older, maybe in his forties, with white hair neatly slicked back. He was remarkably handsome for his age, with a seemingly flawless complexion and icy blue eyes, and he was looking her over with a sort of bemused expression. They stared at each other for a few moments before he spoke.

"Well my dear," he said with a sigh, "I have to say that looks rather uncomfortable."

Still gagged, she gave him a look that said "No, you think?" The man laughed upon seeing her expression and took a step closer.

"Sorry about that- forgot you were still gagged."

He reached up and removed the particularly annoying piece of fabric from her mouth. Lorena didn't speak at first, choosing to stretch her jaw. He continued to watch her, seemingly amused. Now Lorena is not a stupid person- she knew _exactly _who this was. After all, there were very few people in existence who looked like this man. Since he looked older, she had to make the assumption that this was indeed the Dark Knight himself. The self-proclaimed king of what was left of the planet. He raised an eyebrow and looked at her curiously.

"Cat got your tongue?" he asked.

Lorena thought- she thought _hard_. Deciding it was best to resign herself to her fate, she simply sighed and looked straight at Sparda.

"Look, if you're going to kill me or eat me or... whatever it is you do, please get me down from here first. I look like a complete idiot."

His other brow shot up to join it's twin, obviously taken aback. Lorena felt her own eyebrow raise in response.

"What?"

"Nothing," he replied, "That's just not the attitude I was expecting from a, quote, 'virgin sacrifice.'"

"It's the attitude of an angry one. You know the _only _reason I'm out here is because I'm not actually from here."

Sparda's lips quirked in the makings of a smile.

"Really?"

"Well... that, and I may or may not have (accidentally) burned down the church."

The Dark Knight erupted in a fit of laughter. He stood there for a good few minutes just laughing at the girl chained to the cross. She, on the other hand, was terribly confused. She wasn't sure if she should be relieved or insulted that the great Sparda was standing there _laughing_ at her. When he finally calmed down enough to speak, chest heaving for air, he shook his head.

"Young lady," he said in-between pants, "I have not laughed like that in a very long time."

He straightened up and adjusted his coat.

"What would you say if I were to make you an offer that would result in me sparing your life?"

Lorena shrugged.

"Nah, I just figured I'd stay up here and do my Jesus impression."

The Dark Knight grinned.

"Yes...I think you'll do nicely," he murmured.

Drawing his sword in one smooth movement, he sliced the chains holding her to the cross on the platform. Lorena wobbled a little bit, falling into Sparda when she lost her balance. Sheathing his sword, he scooped up the girl in his arms before starting off at a jovial pace into the forest.

**A/N: Okie dokes, everybody. I'd love to know what you guys think so far because I had WAY too much fun writing this, and there's still more in the works.**


	2. Here There Be Witches

Sparda was, to say the very least, not at all what she'd expected. He'd carried her all the way back to his stronghold- on foot- and was unexpectedly... happy. Lorena had conjured up an idea, an image of a merciless, disciplined killer who razed towns to the ground without a second thought. The fact that he spared her life and didn't kill the idiots who threw her at him (though he did say he might go back and kill them all later), was mind boggling. Flopping down on a nearby couch, Lorena contemplated her situation.

The Dark Knight himself had spared her life- but why? He'd said that she'd "do nicely"- but do nicely for what? For all she knew, she'd just been made a job offer for the rest of eternity. Heaving a sigh, she sat up and took in her surroundings.

The suite where Sparda had left her was made up of three rooms: bedroom, bathroom and sitting room with a balcony that overlooked what she assumed was one of many gardens. It was oddly warm and bright (again, a disappointment from her childhood fantasies), giving her the impression that she had to be dreaming. That, or she was dead.

Finished with her assessment, she sat back and returned to her thoughts. Perhaps he'd spared her because he saw the tactical advantage in having a witch on your side. She could hide her nature from normal humans, but demons... well, they just knew this sort of thing by looking at you.

And she _had _given herself away by admitting that she'd burned down the church, but that was an accident. All she'd meant to do was set the bitch's hair on fire for calling her a "no good, thieving gypsy-" how was _she _supposed to know the woman wore a frickin' wig?! The old bat had panicked and flung the burning hairpiece into the curtains which then caught fire...which then lit up the dry rafters and burnt down the entire structure. Lorena'd then been branded as a witch and chained up outside the city to be demon food.

Well, no one ever said being a witch was going to be easy.

It had been even harder lately. Several good men and women were executed daily, accused of being servants of the damned or whores of hell... it was the Dark Ages all over again. A bunch of ignorant fools lashing out at something they didn't understand. It was exhausting and the thought of it sent a shiver up Lorena's spine.

It didn't help that someone burst into the room seconds later- the shock almost caused Lorena to set the curtains on fire.

The woman who had barged into the room didn't look much older than Lorena, maybe a year or two at the most. Her hair was a wild mass of black curls that had been mildly tamed by being pulled into a ponytail, though plenty still threatened to eat her face. She was pale with light freckles sprinkling her limbs, cheeks and the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were an unusual shade of bright green and the woman was easily an inch or two shorter. She smiled warmly at Lorena.

"Hiya!"

Lorena blinked, unsure how to react. The woman continued to smile, though it soon faded as she looked Lorena over. Frowning slightly, she placed her hands on her hips.

"He wasn't kidding when he said you needed work..." she muttered, shaking her head.

One of Lorena's brows slowly inched up her face.

"I...need work?" she echoed.

The woman shrugged.

"Well, yeah. You can't exactly go to dinner dressed like that, now can you?"

Lorena's brow furrowed and her lips pressed together in a thin line.

"What's wrong with the way I dress?"

"Oh nothing- if you're going to hustle pool," replied the woman.

Circling around Lorena and humming a simple tune, the woman strode into the bedroom and over to an armoire pushed up against the wall. Opening the doors, she started to pick through the dresses on the hangers. Now this Lorena found strange. She'd looked through that armoire earlier and it had been empty... but here it was with an assortment of dresses, robes and coats suspended on wooden hangers. Eventually, the woman chose a simple knee-length black dress and tossed it in Lorena's general direction.

"That should fit you well enough, though I'll have to take your measurements. Jeez, you'd think we'd have more clothes for tall people in this place."

Lorena blinked yet again.

"Who _are _you?" she asked.

The woman paused in her bustling and looked back at Lorena over her shoulder. She was quiet for a moment as she pondered how to answer the question. Regardless of whatever tactful strategy her brain had thought up, the woman simply decided to be honest.

"I'm Adrienne, Adrienne Leblanc," she replied with a little bow, "And for the last 15 years, I've been the housekeeper to our Illustrious Lord Sparda."

Straightening up, she closed the armoire, crossed the room to where Lorena stood gawking, scooped up the dress and ushered Lorena into the bathroom in one smooth movement. Adrienne sat Lorena down in front of the vanity and pulled the dusty v-neck from the red-head's body before picking up a brush. Tugging gently on the deep red mane, Adrienne started to hum again.

Now, to be completely honest, something about the dark haired woman seemed... off. Almost like a feeling in your gut that nagged at you when something was wrong. It seemed a strange feeling to get from her, however, as she appeared to be a fairly happy, gentile person.

"You know," said Adrienne after a moment, "I'm a little surprised that you don't recognize one of your own."

"What, a human?"

Adrienne shook her head.

"Mostly, but not quite."

Lorena's eyes widened and she looked back at her.

"You're a-"

"Of course I am!" Adrienne replied, "Sparda never would have kept me on otherwise."

"Why not?"

Adrienne smiled wistfully and she turned Lorena's face back to the mirror.

"He's... a little bitter when it comes to humans. Don't get me wrong, he's a good man, but..."

The older witch sighed and shook her head.

"Ah, it's not my place," she said after a moment. Perking up almost instantly, she continued: "Right now, my job is to make you look like you're not about to slum it in the back of a van."

Lorena's lips pressed into a thin line.

"I had a bike, actually," she muttered.

Adrienne ignored her and wove Lorena's hair into a braid. Ripping the v-neck off of the red-head's body, she shoved the dress over the younger woman's head.

"Yowch! Watch it with the manhands!"

Adrienne rolled her eyes and tossed the worn shirt off in a random direction.

"Just finish dressing yourself," replied Adrienne. "Once you're done I'll do your make-up and you'll be ready to go."

Lorena pulled the dress over her head and heaved an exasperated sigh.

"I don't even understand- why all the trouble?" she grumbled. "It would've been easier to just eat me..."

Adrienne's face screwed up as she tried to stifle a snicker.

"That's why," replied Adrienne, "Honesty is a rare commodity nowadays, m'dear."

Lorena mulled this over as Adrienne carefully made her up as if she was painting the face on a porcelain doll. Once she was satisfied, she pulled back and examined her work.

"All done," she chirped after a moment, taking off at a brisk stride back through the bedroom. "The master will be here momentarily, if I'm any judge."

Lorena jumped to her feet and tried to keep up with Adrienne.

"Hey, wait! I've still got-"

"Questions? There'll be time for those later," she replied. "For now, you'll just have to go with the flow."

She paused in the doorway and looked back at Lorena with a warm smile.

"Don't worry, Shortcake. You're going to do just fine."

With that, the housekeeper shut the door behind her and was soon heard barking orders to various servants in the hall. Good as her word, Sparda strode into the room (what is it with these people and going in unannounced?) moments later. He looked the same as he did before- hair slicked back, same deep purple coat- and he made a beeline for Lorena, stopping just a few inches in front of her. He looked her over, smiled and offered her his arm.

"I wonder why I doubted Adrienne at all," he said with a chuckle, "That woman can work wonders, let me tell you."

Lorena smiled slightly and took his arm.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

He looked down at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Oddly tame now, are we?"

"More like scared out of my goddamn mind."

Sparda shrugged.

"Understandable."

He led her out of the room and down a seemingly vast hallway. It wasn't massive, but only seemed so because it almost looked deserted. Servants passing by shrank away, bowing and mumbling a hasty "your majesty" before taking off at a near run. Guards and soldiers bowed as Sparda passed by, few saying anything at all. The man didn't seem to care in the slightest as he walked. He just kept smiling. It was a little unnerving.

"You're... nothing like I expected."

Sparda perked up and glanced down at Lorena upon hearing her comment.

"And what did you expect, young lady? A ten foot tall monstrosity with horns?"

"Well... yes, actually."

He chuckled warmly and turned his attention forward again.

"There is a time and a place for that," he replied, "But I don't consider my own home such a place."

They continued down the hallway, taking the occasional turn or going down a flight of stairs. Once they reached the ground floor, he led her down yet another hallway before stopping outside a pair of heavy wooden doors.

"You know, I don't think I've asked you your name," he said, looking down at her again. "You know who I am, so I feel it puts me at a disadvantage."

Lorena turned slightly pink, embarrassed by how human he seemed. Coughing nervously, she looked down at her feet.

"Lorena. Lorena Cain," she mumbled.

"Well, Lorena: welcome to my home."

With that, he pushed the doors open and dragged her into the main dining hall.

...Or what was left of it. Various pieces of furniture, mostly chairs, had been thrown haphazardly about the room. The dining table had been kicked across the floor, overturned, and then kicked up against the wall. The chandelier was swinging precariously on it's chain, various paintings had been ruined and the rug was shredded to pieces. Sparda stared at the carnage, dumbstruck and a little embarrassed that Lorena had to see it. His gaze traveled around the room and eventually stopped in the center where two younger versions of him- one in red, the other in blue- were at a standstill. Swords drawn and neither wanting to back down, they circled each other in the center of the room.

"BOYS!"

The two men jumped, looked back at the door and froze, absolutely petrified. Then the chandelier's chain snapped and the crystal fixture came crashing down onto the hardwood floor.

**A/N: Blegh, beginnings- always so slow and carboard boxy. We're almost done with the exposition, though, so that's a good thing.**

**On another note, the first of many cameos for my leading lady from "Bewitched," which you should read for shits and giggles. Seriously, I feel like there isn't enough funny in the world. I have also come to the recent realization that Sparda somehow became Henry Higgins or Mr. Bennett... or at least that is how he sounds in my head.**


	3. Conned

Since the dining room was decimated, they were forced to relocate to Sparda's study. It was a beautiful room, but the atmosphere was so stifling from the elder demon's rage that Lorena was barely able to appreciate it. Currently, he was in the middle of shouting at the two younger men.

"...completely irresponsible! Never in my life have I ever had to witness something so embarrassing, so _disgraceful_!" he roared.

"Aw, calm down, pops," said the red twin with a sheepish smile. "We were only having a little spat."

"'Little?'" echoed Sparda. "'Little' does not leave my dining room in shambles!"

The older man sighed and rubbed his temples.

"What _am _I going to do with you two?"

"My sincerest apologies, father," said the blue twin with a glare at his brother. "We never meant for-"

"I don't care what your intentions were, Vergil. I expect better of you- _both _of you," replied Sparda, looking at both of his sons. "Instead, the two of you act like complete imbeciles."

Vergil and Dante exchanged an almost sheepish look, followed by a muttered apology to their father.

"At any rate," continued Sparda, "There is a matter for us to discuss, since I believe I have finally found a worthwhile solution."

He rose from his desk and strode over to where Lorena sat, watching them all in a mix of mild bemusement and utter terror. He placed his hands on her shoulders and stood behind her.

"Dante, Vergil, this is Lorena. She was presented to me as compensation and, in exchange for sparing her life, she is to be your partner."

Lorena's expression turned into one of complete and utter shock. Her brain tuned out all other noise in the room for a moment as she tried to process the statement. Once it had and she tuned back in, she didn't like what she heard.

"...and I expect you both to share. She should be more than capable of-"

Lorena shot upright, her sudden movement smacking Sparda upside the head in the middle of his sentence. She immediately rounded on him.

"W-w-wait a minute- partner?!" she echoed in disbelief, followed by a nervous chuckle. "Oh no, I don't do commitment. And- and you never said _anything_ about having to do..." She shot an uneasy glance in Vergil and Dante's general direction. "..._That_."

Sparda rubbed his chin and eyed the woman warily.

"I told you I had an offer, yes," he replied, "But I never specified what it was. Regardless of the circumstances, you accepted it when you let me bring you back here."

Lorena's jaw almost dropped.

"You have _got _to be shitting me."

Sparda shrugged and a wry smile formed on his lips.

"I'm afraid not, my dear. Those are the rules."

Sauntering back around a speechless Lorena and over to his sons, he took a seat at his desk once more. Vergil stared back at his father, equally speechless, while Dante sauntered over to where Lorena was standing.

"Father," said Vergil after a moment, "You've always made it clear that you did not want us to have human partners."

Sparda shrugged.

"This is no ordinary human," he replied casually. "Add in that she was my choice, and your argument holds little water."

"But father- a _human_?"

Sparda raised an eyebrow, did not break eye contact with his eldest son and addressed the younger.

"What do you think of her, Dante?"

The younger twin was looking Lorena over critically, as if sizing up a racehorse. He fingered a lock of her dark red hair, seemingly admiring the color.

"I like her," he said after a moment, emphasizing his comment with a grin.

...And a playful swat on the rear, chuckling when she tensed up at the contact. Now whereas most women would've ignored it, Lorena simply snapped. Given everything that had just transpired, you can't blame her, but it was a weird reaction nonetheless. Pivoting on her heel, she caught the red twin completely off guard and socked him square in the jaw.

Dante lost his balance and fell backwards into one of his father's sofas, stunned that she'd actually _hit him_. Lorena, however, was too angry and in danger of reducing the study to a burnt-out husk to care, so she stormed out of the study and slammed the door shut behind her. Vergil and Sparda stared after her for a moment in equally stunned silence before the elder demon burst out laughing once again, clapping his hands together. Vergil glared at his father.

"I'm glad you find this so entertaining."

Walking over to the sofa, he offered his brother a hand and helped him back on his feet. Dante gingerly rubbed the spot where she'd hit him, wincing slightly at the contact.

"Ouch," he muttered. "She's got one heck of a right hook- this really stings."

Vergil gripped his brother's jaw and turned his face to examine the damage. He was prepared to tell his brother that he was overreacting, but what Vergil saw startled him. What should have been a rapidly healing bruise was instead a large spot of frostbitten skin. Not even bothering to look at his father, he muttered to himself:

"So that's why..."

"She also exhibits other talents, from what I've gathered," commented Sparda, "Apparently, she 'accidentally' burnt down the church in Fortuna."

Vergil's lips quirked in the makings of a smile. Letting go of his brother, Vergil took a seat on the sofa, turning over this newfound information in his head. Free of his brother's grip, Dante rubbed his jaw again (it still stung) and looked at his father with an expression of slight discomfort.

"You sure know how to pick 'em, pops."

Sparda smiled at his younger son and nodded at the door.

"Do me a favor and go take Lorena back to the Eden Suite- she's bound to get lost otherwise."

The younger twin heaved a sigh, but a smile tugged on his lips (despite the stinging).

"Okay, but if she sets my hair on fire, I'm blaming you."

Dante fixed his coat and strode out of the room with a whistle on his lips. As soon as he was gone, Sparda turned his attention to his other son.

"Vergil, tell Adrienne to have a meal brought to the girl's room. Afterward, I need you to send Arkham in to see me."

The blue twin's brow furrowed and his smile disappeared. Sparda noted the frown on his elder son's face, the unspoken statement hanging in the air. The man in purple smiled slightly before picking up a pen and starting to scribble something down on a piece of paper.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, my boy," he replied idly, "Trust me- I know what I'm doing."

The elder son rose from his seat and bowed slightly before turning on his heel and leaving his father's study.

**A/N: Yeah, Sparda is definitely Henry Higgins.**


	4. Repercussions

If Lorena had thought this was a bad day earlier, it was now the equivalent to the zombie apocalypse. First chained to a cross by a bunch of ignorant humans and now conned into...what, exactly? She couldn't call it marriage, though it wasn't all too different, but at the same time it wasn't marriage at all. Regardless of what she'd been tricked into doing, she was still annoyed that Sparda had decided to play matchmaker for both of his-

Oh God. _Both of his sons_.

The realization nearly knocked her flat on her ass. Lorena was going to have to cater to not one, but _two _men. Two _demon men_. And bear their children.

She wanted to scream.

Which she did, but not because of the aforementioned reason. No, this scream was actually more of a surprised yelp as she went from standing in the hallway to being lifted up and tossed over someone's shoulder. Dante's shoulder, to be more specific.

She weighed more than he thought she would. Obviously, there was more muscle under her flesh than he'd originally expected, though her toned legs and seemingly perfect rear should have been clue enough. Lorena was easily five eight, slender and fairly lean. Not gangly or skinny like some women, but _lean_. She had curves in just the right places and just the right amount of cushioning in places where it mattered...just thinking about it almost made him drool.

As soon as Lorena's brain finished processing her current situation, she pushed herself up, palms flat on his upper back and supporting herself with her arms. Shooting a glare at the back of his head, a scowl fixed itself on her face.

"Put me down."

Dante chuckled.

"Nope."

"Put. Me. _Down_."

"Hate to break it to ya, but saying it slower isn't going to make me do it."

Lorena pursed her lips together in thought.

"...Put me down or I'll set your pants on fire."

Next thing she knew, she was flat on the floor. Her body was pressing into the cool marble and she became painfully aware of the dull ache that resulted from being dropped like a sack of potatoes. The left side of her body probably had some bruises on it. Painful bruises.

She groaned inwardly and rolled over onto her back, only to see Dante grinning down at her. Frowning slightly, she glared at him.

"I said 'put me down,' not 'drop me like a sack of potatoes.'"

"Same difference."

He leaned down and picked her back up. Instead of throwing her over his shoulder, however, he hooked one arm under her knees and wrapped her arms around his neck. Lorena noted that the arm that wasn't hooked under her knees was uncomfortably close to her breasts.

"I have _legs_, y'know," she griped.

"Oh, I know."

Dante winked at her and Lorena's frown deepened into a scowl.

"I was serious about your pants."

He shrugged simply and continued down the hall.

"I'll have to take your word for it," he replied casually. "Though I've got to say- that's prob'ly the most creative method I've ever heard for getting me out of my pants."

Lorena retched.

"I'd sooner kiss a dragon," she snarled.

He laughed again, wincing slightly since the spot where she'd hit him still stung. Odd, since you'd consider a spot of frozen skin to be numb instead of stinging like it did. Stupid magic, defying the laws of nature...

Dante carried her all the way back to her room, but instead of setting her down outside, he kicked the door open and walked right in as if he owned the place...Well, he sort of did, but that's beside the point. He didn't put her down, either.

Lorena tried to disentangle herself from him, a frustrated 'huff' escaping her lips when she failed. Frowning, she glanced up at Dante who was looking back at her expectantly. He couldn't be serious...

"Thank you for bringing me back," growled Lorena. "Now fuck off."

Dante cocked an eyebrow.

"Not much of a 'thank you'..."

Lorena rolled her eyes and continued to try to free herself.

"It's all you're getting."

"Really?"

Uh oh. That didn't sound good. Lorena's fight or flight response kicked in and tried to make that split second decision, but a split second too late. Before she could really register it, she landed flat on her back on the mattress with Dante looming over her. Lorena tried to shove him off.

"Get the hell off of me," she snarled.

Dante considered it for less than a second.

"No."

Lorena pushed harder, still to no avail.

"Get. Off."

"Thought you'd never ask."

Dante's lips crashed down onto Lorena's before she could start to protest. As you can imagine, she was not happy. At all. She refused to kiss him back and she started to struggle violently against the red twin. He did not take the hint.

She thrashed under his weight and tried to push him off. Dante simply responded by pinning her arms down on the bed beneath them. She responded in turn with a snarl.

"Feisty," he chuckled, biting down on her lip.

In one last desperate attempt, Lorena kneed him in the gut. Lucky for her, it worked and the brief pause gave her the opportunity to headbutt Dante and wrench herself free from his grip. She rolled off of the bed, making a mad dash for the bathroom. She was two inches short of the door when she was tackled to the ground.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!" she screamed.

Lorena resumed her earlier struggle, trying to push Dante away with extreme difficulty since he was both stronger and heavier than she was. Dante, on the other hand, found the whole thing to be rather funny. Why she kept going for his face, however, was a bit of a mystery. It was the best thing about him! Well..._second _best thing about him.

At the sound of someone clearing their throat, both of them froze and looked up at the door that led out to the hall. In the doorway was a lanky teenager with black hair as wild as Adrienne's. His skin was a shade darker than hers, however, and a pair of gold eyes peeked out from under his bangs instead of emerald ones. He was holding a tray ladened with food.

"I hate to interrupt...whatever you're doing," he said after a moment, eying them with perplexion, "But I was told to bring our guest dinner."

Dante raised an eyebrow.

"Well, we're a little busy."

Lorena delivered a sharp kick to his ribs.

"We're not 'busy' with anything!" she snapped.

"Not yet," he replied with a grin.

She opened her mouth to snap at him again when the teen spoke up.

"Actually, sir, your brother was looking for you. Said it was important."

Dante's grin faded into a slight frown.

"Can it wait?"

The teen shrugged.

"You want to piss your brother off, go ahead. We're still cleaning your brain matter out of the carpet in the billiard room."

Heaving a sigh, Dante reluctantly got off of Lorena and fixed his coat. He glanced back at her, giving her a wink.

"I'll be back later. Wait up for me, m'kay?"

"I'd rather chew off my own arm."

He chuckled and strode out of the room past the lanky teen with a newfound swagger while Lorena glared daggers at him, sorely tempted to make good on her threat. Maybe if she was lucky, Vergil would do the job for her.

The teen, who had inadvertently saved her, said nothing else and set down the tray of food before leaving promptly. She was almost sad to see him go- she owed him a proper "thank you." At any rate, the smell coming from the tray was making it hard to focus. It was a roast with potatoes and greens...and good god, it smelled delicious.

But wait. What if it was drugged? What if, by some twist of fate, the meal was spiked with something that would make her find Dante and Vergil to be the most irresistible men alive?

The mere thought made her appetite vanish.

Heaving a sigh, she got to her feet and trudged over to the bed, crawling up over the mattress to curl up under the sheets. At the very least she could get some sleep and work something out in the morning.

**A/N: My apologies, this chapter was a little forced. Writer's block- it'll kill ya.**


	5. No Rest From the Wicked

In all honesty, Vergil thought that it would have been harder to get his brother away from Lorena. He wasn't about to complain, however, since he'd achieved his desired result. As soon as his younger brother was out of sight, the blue twin slipped into Lorena's room.

The suite she'd been given was one of his favorite rooms in the house, and part of him resented the loss. Now he was one room short on his list of places to avoid Dante. The redhead was apparently basking in the loss of the younger twin, as she was curled up comfortably, her chest rising and falling in the quiet rhythm of sleep. Aware that this may be one of the few chances to get a closer look at her _without _risking personal injury, and determined not to squander it, Vergil approached the bed and took a seat on the edge beside her.

Vergil looked down at the woman tucked under the sheets, sleeping peacefully in the shadows of the dark. He didn't have much experience with human women. After all, they were simpering, weak, pathetic creatures hardly worth his time. But Lorena... she was obviously more than human. No average human could tinge her punches with frostbite...something he knew the witches already in the house could barely even do.

Lorena shifted in her sleep, rolling towards Vergil and murmuring something under her breath. He leaned a little closer and gently brushed a few rogue strands of hair from her face. She turned into his touch as his fingers grazed her forehead, a small smile forming on her lips. He ran his fingers down her jawline before running his thumb across her bottom lip, gauging her reaction.

"Feels nice..." she mumbled.

He perked up at that, curious to see how far she was going to let him go in her sleep addled state. Leaning down a little farther, Vergil gently pressed his lips to hers. They were warm, pliant and softer than he was used to, but it wasn't unpleasant in the slightest. In fact, it was sort of nice.

She reciprocated, much to his surprise, angling herself to fit against him. It was even more of a surprise when she actually parted her lips for him.

Now keep in mind that Lorena is (mostly) asleep. She has no idea that she's making out with Vergil. In fact, she's having a rather nice dream involving Cary Grant. Or rather, was, since the liberties she was granting Cary in her dream were also the liberties she was inadvertently giving Vergil. So when he got slightly more aggressive, the dream faded and Lorena was forced to regain awareness. It wasn't so bad at first. She stumbled through her muddled brain, still comfortable and happy, and she could still feel the kiss from her dream on her lips. Wait a second...that kiss hadn't been wet-

Her eyes shot open.

Vergil felt Lorena go rigid and stop moving. Before he could stop what he was doing, pull away and move halfway across the room, a loud _smack_ resounded throughout the room followed by an angry hiss and a string of curses from Vergil's lips. Not wanting to be on the receiving end of his wrath when he finally came back into focus, Lorena leapt from the bed and made for the bathroom like a madwoman, slamming the door behind her.

She felt as if she'd been raped, or at least something akin to it and good lord she could still taste him in her mouth! The urge to dry heave was so intense she was afraid that she was actually going to be sick. Instead, she was forced to settle for just rinsing her mouth out.

Back in the bedroom, Vergil was just starting to regain his composure. The bitch had _slapped _him. _Hard_. So hard, in fact, that it still stung- or rather, burned.

There was a hand shaped third degree burn on Vergil's cheek.

He considered storming into the bathroom and giving her something that would hurt just as much, if not more, but decided against it. Lorena wasn't going anywhere. There was plenty of time for her to learn her place and he would see to it that she did. Such were his thoughts as he left the room with what little dignity remained intact.

_{line break}_

"What do you think of her?"

Adrienne looked up from her tea and raised an eyebrow.

"Who? The girl?"

"Who else would I mean?"

Sparda and Adrienne sat in his study, enjoying a late night cup of tea as they'd done for the past 15 years. The Dark Knight eagerly awaited her response as the witch considered her answer.

"Well," she said after a moment, "She's certainly something."

"A good something or a bad something?" he prodded. "You have more of an opinion than that."

Adrienne rolled her eyes and sipped her tea.

"She's unpredictable, temperamental, unorthodox and reckless."

"...I think that may be one of your more scathing reviews," mused Sparda.

"Oh, you haven't heard 'scathing.' Believe me, when I get started on Arkham-"

"Adrienne."

She sighed and glared down at the floor.

"He's an unnecessary risk," she said quietly.

"Which is exactly why I need him. There's someone else pulling the strings- I can feel it, and Arkham will lead me straight to the puppeteer."

"To what end?" She'd raised her eyes from the floor, a pleading rage in the watery green. "What do you hope to gain by killing this 'puppetmaster?'"

This time he looked down at the floor. Sparda wasn't sure how to answer that because she was right. There was no reason behind it, no end goal that he could see. As it stood, this whole charade was a waste of time.

"I need you to trust me, Adrienne," he said quietly.

"I already do," she replied, rising from her seat on the couch. "I just wish you would do the same."

Not even bothering to gather the remnants of their tea, the witch turned and left the study without another word, leaving Sparda alone to question his thoughts.


End file.
